| Getting by. |
[Jun. 23rd, 2007|12:19 pm] |
Graduation came and went, small little reunions of "where the hell have you been?" and the like. It was nice seeing everyone again, and I'm glad it's all over and done with. Shaun actually was able to attend the ceremony and watch me graduate, and he met my mother and step father, who said that any time him and i wanted to come down there we were welcome to stay with them, visiting, living, whichever. So now the summer is here, but it doesn't really feel any different to me, other than serving kids during the day, and Shaun's sister being home. I work 6 days a week now, and I quit Wawa. Overtime at Subway pretty much all the time now. :]
Shaun and I are doing great, we just passed 7 months. In just a few months it will be a year since I met him, a year since Family Values Tour, and a week later, a year since Tony and I split. It's amazing how much happens in a year, or how it all happens so fast. I'm looking into "Mix em Up" bartending school. $395.00 and I can take the class in 5 weeks, 2 or I think maybe even 1. It'll probably end up being 5 so it doesn't interfere with my work schedule.
For some reason it's going around that i'm expecting. It's not the case, at least if it is, i know nothing about it.
Though Shaun's mother got her cards read, and supposedly there's going to be a baby on the way, and it's going to be her middle child's... Shaun. Hah. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 4th, 2007|10:36 pm] |
Glorious stress. ::sigh:: life is swinging back and forth on a pendulum, while throwing knives at my pressure points, lately it's as if my bi-polar is kicking in and getting the best of me, and it's driving me insane, I'm trying to get health insurance, car insurance, and to make myself believe that struggling to take care of myself, will make me a better person, and is worth it, and that everything will be just fine. On that note, I picked up a second job, starting at $8.00 an hour, which isn't as much as my other job, but definitely isn't a bad start. Shaun and I are up and down, and it seems like the days when we're both working a lot and everything at work doesn't go terribly wrong, it relieves whatever stress we both have, and strengthens our relationship. I like that he's working now, and it's even better after he gets home on the days where I don't work my second job. It's like those hours when we're apart for a good reason only make us miss each other, distance makes the heart grow fonder I suppose. It's nice to fall asleep after next to someone and know that if I get cold there's someone there who will hold me close, and love me regardless of my bed head, and midnight cigarette breath. I like how our relationship is going, I like that we're almost at 6 months, and we're still growing closer, and that he still surprises me with my favorite candy bars, and vitamin water. I love how it's the little things that make me smile, and how he tries to wake me up when I'm not even fully asleep, i like how he pulls me closer to his side of the bed, the complains that i take all the room. He knows everything I hate, everything I like, and even though we still argue every now and then, it's a healthy attribute to every relationship, conflict only makes you realize what you need to improve or work on, love is a strange and crazy thing, but I adore the way it makes me feel, and how I don't need to impress, but sometimes I still try to doll myself up for him, it's the least I could do. I really appreciate his mom, and everything she's doing for me, for us. She's a wonderful, independent, and strong woman, and I admire her.
I've got to go help stinker clean our bedroom, so I will update when I get a chance. I hope everything is going well for everyone. , ta ta lovies. |
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| look at us baby, look at us now |
[Mar. 21st, 2007|05:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Computer desk | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Sarina Paris- Look at us now Baby | ] |
Well, I've lived with Shaun for almost 3 weeks now, and things are going great. I like it here. I still haven't talked to my aunt, and I know I should sometime soon. We'll see how that goes.
♥ i get along well with everyone here, Shaun and I keep our room pretty clean, it's amazing how we can fit so much stuff in one room. I like this a lot, being able to fall asleep next to the one person in the world that can make everything feel so much better even when you're stressed beyond belief. I like waking up next to him and seeing that smile on his face shine brighter than the sun rising outside. I'm happy and really I think that's all that matters. We went and got our own cell phone plan, if you want the number to mine, leave a comment.
He bought me a green rose the other day with glitter all over it. It was sweet. :]
Alright, gotta go do some laundry and such. Just figured I'd let anyone who was worried or wondering, know that I'm alright, and I'm happy. |
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| cleaning out my closet. |
[Feb. 27th, 2007|09:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Orgy- Dreams in Digital | ] |
Actually, as the subject states I am indeed cleaning out my closet, and my dresser, and all of the contents of my room. As soon as I have enough money in my bank account to pay for car insurance ($515 down payment + the cost of reqistration) Then I'll be good to go. Shaun's mother read a letter I wrote her last night, apparently she was happy with what she read. ♥ I spent the afternoon with Shaun today after I got out of work. I worked 8:30 until 3 today, and tomorrow I work 7:45 until 3. I'm also getting a raise soon, which I am very very happy about. I asked today about direct deposit, and health insurance through my store. My boss has to look into both. Hopefully they'll be able to grant me health insurance. The good thing for them about having a staff of mostly minors is that they don't really have to worry much about having to pay for health insurance for their employees.I switched my account yesterday to a checking account, and applied for a loan, which if granted should help to build my credit if payed off right. I got accepted to OCC, and I don't think I have to take the placement test because I scored higher than a 500 on the Reading and Writing sections of my SATS. I'm not sure whether or not I'm going to go right away, I'll figure that out by the end of March and how my money situation is I suppose. I'm off Thursday and wishing I had a car to use because I have some returns to make and some things to check out while everyone is at school. Maybe I'll see if Dana is up for it.I feel like I need to take pictures soon.
Alright, enough of the boring update on my life. I'm going to clean some more before Shaun calls back, then off to bed and early to rise for work. Have a nice night everyone and a great day tomorrow. ^_^ sweet dreams. |
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| i don't even know my own mother. |
[Feb. 18th, 2007|09:51 pm] |
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I realized today, that I don't know my mother at all, and I can't tolerate her trying to make me feel guilty about me not living with her, and her not being there to watch me grow up. Is that my fault? Not in the least. I also realized, that she doesn't know me, and Shaun and I were going to move down near here in the Fall if everything went right, and right now, I don't even think I want to do that, I asked her for a small favor, and she turned it down, and allowed my step-father to talk shit about me basically. I don't even understand how she has the room to say shit. Hello Mrs. third marriage, Mrs. allows her 15 year old daughter's boyfriend to sleep over WITH her daughter. She'll do anything to appease my sister so she doesn't run away, but when it comes to me asking for something small, a small favor, No, sorry we don't agree with that. What the fuck ever. I haven't asked for shit the past nine years, not money, not a damn thing. I was trying to do something to make her happy. Fuck it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 15th, 2007|11:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  indescribable | ] |
I haven't updated in quite some time, and maybe if I started posting more often I'd feel a lot better. I stress myself entirely too much. Hopefully for a good cause.
Tomorrow is mine and Shaun's 3 month anniversary. It's cute still counting the months, and being where it all starts, where the memories, and the firsts all happen. I'm glad we're doing well. I remember when we first started dating, so many people doubted us, doubted him, but I had a feeling he'd be different with me, and for once in my life I was right. He stopped smoking weed for the most part because it bothers me, He really hasn't been getting in too much trouble, and for the most part he's calmed down a lot. I've been told by many people that have known him for a lot longer than I have that I've tamed him. His cousin's girlfriend has been with his cousin for YEARS, and says she needs to know what I did to Shaun so she can do it to Johnny, because she's NEVER seen him like this before. His best friend Bill's girlfriend, told me it's crazy how he is with me, he dated one of her friends, and she saw him with other people, and he's so different with me. I'm glad, because I'm happy. I hate the drama that comes along with it, but it'll go away eventually.
My period is late, but I'm not even going to worry myself because I honestly don't want it tomorrow. I finally got birth control, but I can't start it until I get my period.
I'm trying to find a way to move out of my house. I can't take it here anymore.
My ex boyfriend, Tony has been telling me he misses me and loves me lately, he feels empty, lonely, and incomplete, and he told me I'm missing from his life, he hates it, he hates that I'm with Shaun, and I told him it was his own damn fault. I cared about him, I honestly loved him. I would have done ANYTHING for him, and now I feel like he's trying to make me feel bad for moving on, after he pushed me away. |
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| :] |
[Jan. 25th, 2007|09:28 pm] |
I was off work today, so after my finals I met up with Christopher face. He's my bestest bestest friend. I waited with him for a little while so he could get his parking pass, but after a little while of being shoved around, I decided to just take his keys and start the car, after all I was wearing a tiny little skirt, and I didn't need anyone taking a cheap feel. We dropped off his sister, and picked up Shaun and then the 4 of us went to Lecompte's house. I talked to Nick's Mommy Tina for a little while, Ashley came and got Nick, and Chris dropped Shaun and I off at my house. We came inside, got a ciggie from my cousin, then i got attacked by my cousin and the twins. I had ice packs shoved down my pants and I was tied up with a dog leash... NOT FUN. Shaun and I took a nap for a good amount of time, and then my cousin went and got me some cigarettes because I was out so then we went for a walk into the woods and enjoyed ourselves. my boyfriend is AMAZING. ♥ Then we came home and hung with Ashley, brought Shaun to meet with his mommy at Shoprite. I hung with Ashley and Nick for a little while and now im here updating.
I'm in a great mood, I'm highly relaxed, and I am completely crazy about my boyfriend. love. ♥ |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 20th, 2007|10:38 pm] |
i like love my relationship. [^_^] |
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| you don't have to be afraid to fall in love. ♥ |
[Jan. 12th, 2007|10:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Nsync- It's tearing up my heart | ] |
So all in all today wasn't such a bad day. Except the 2nd crack to my egg baby, man I'm a terrible egg mother.
I woke up fairly early and went to the bathroom, then fell back asleep to be woken up again at 6:18. I straightend my hair, got dressed and threw on a stitch of make-up. Brushed my teeth, grabbed the egg baby, and left. Smoked my morning cigarette, and fell asleep on the bus listening to Shaun's rap playlist on my ipod.
Got to school, met up with Ashley, Maria, Kelsey, and Lecompte. Then proceeded to my locker, and health class. We went to the library, and I worked on our research paper. My new health teacher, Mr. Withstandly sat next to me and talked to me pretty much 3/4 or the period. He's nice. Then after that was Psych. We had this senior assembly about drunk driving, it made an impact, and I wished that Shaun could have been there to see it. I didn't cry, but wow. The thought of losing my boyfriend, my friends, my family, or my own life because of such carelessness really bothered me. I don't see my Mom, Step-dad, sister, brothers, Step-mom, and father that often, so I guess in a way it made me realize how I really need to strengthen those relationships before it's too late. Third period, again to the library, researched very little, stared down some girl a little more. I admit it was immature of me, and maybe I should just have a talk with her. I don't want to fight her, and I don't care whether or not she said what every body else is telling me she said. But, I do however have a problem with the fact that she calls my boyfriend A LOT, and bakes him things. Fourth period we took a quiz. I came home and got off at the wrong stop intentionally, dropped my egg baby and it cracked, AGAIN. Why every Friday do I hurt this damn 'child'?
Finally got home, Shaun called and told me he was going to Firestone to pick up his paycheck, and said he'd call me after he was done with his chores. He came over here about 4:30. My aunt was at work, so my cousin let us hang out in my room. We watched Menace II Society. Almost fell asleep. My little cousins kept coming in and out. Had tickle wars. Then he ordered chinese food for everyone. He surprised me when he got here with a pack of cigarettes and a Rockstar. ♥ Then we went for a walk. Came home, went on the computer. Dana called and wanted Shaun to look at her head unit, then realized it was just missing a fuse. We went to Commerce and cashed my checks, then Walmart. Then Lecompte's house. His Mom bitched at me, like always. Wanting to know what's going on with a drama issue between Ashley, Nick, and Sara. I told her Sara is a problem to everyone. Left there. and now I'm home.
Hanging out with Shaun just the two of us was nice. Cuddling, and kisses, and walking, and talking, just enjoying his company. He held me close and told me that that's how he wants to fall asleep at night. At Walmart he told Dana that him and I are moving in June. I wandered into the baby department... =[ and found little baby teddy bear bootie slipper things. I wanted them. and I showed Shaun and made a sad disappointed puppy face with big googlie eyes. We didn't buy them, but one day, MAYbe. |
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| A screw |
[Jan. 11th, 2007|10:28 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | satisfied | ] |
I feel like a screw being put into something to support by a very indecisive person, do they want this thing to actually be held together, or would they rather something else? driving the screw through the wood, and then back out again. I know, it's hard to make sense out of me.
I've cleaned off my mental plate a lot. I told Tony that I was sorry things didn't work, and was open about the fact that Shaun and I are yes indeed more than best friends. Tony never knew, I couldn't tell him, I felt bad. But, I suppose he needed it to be out there, he needed to know I wasn't holding out, and hoping for something that clearly wasn't destined. We can't mold fate. We can't plan for things to work out just the way we want months and months ahead of time. Things happen, and though I did love him, and I did cry over him, and scar my body for him, it's better this way. I'm happy now. I haven't had nearly as many anxiety attacks. I'm not beating myself up on all the maybes, all the questions, and doubts, and expenses.
Had a pregnancy scare last night, but it's fine now. I am not pregnant. The relief wasn't exactly 100% for both Shaun and I. We were both slightly disappointed, but we both know it's not something we can afford, and I know we need to figure out a lot more before we bring children into the world.
We almost broke up a few times, and I couldn't let go. I tryed to end things, and cried hysterically and couldn't let go. I don't know what it is, or why but it is. Things seem to be much better now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 28th, 2006|10:45 pm] |
no one seems to genuinely care anymore.
i'm moving away after graduation.
i'm not telling anyone where.
'nough said. |
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| be the person that i am today... |
[Dec. 22nd, 2006|09:55 pm] |
Ever feel like you're climbing down a hill where you would be hiking at ease, but the wind just keeps pushing you back? Or you're swimming against the current. I'm fed up with drama completely. I have 19 days of High School left, and I know that even after I leave, the drama is still going to be on my back. I don't understand how a group of well educated young adults cannot act how they should. I keep chasing rainbows, and chasing perfection, and every thing always kicks me when I'm down, and trips me when I'm up. I hate this town, but I'm sure I'd hate every town, unless is was called isolation. As a child I was very outgoing. I was friends with everyone. I sang solos for my church. I was in every play, musical, and concert there was. I was a student of the month on a few occasions. I was active in girl scouts and with church, I played basketball all the time, I was a wonderful student, and an even better friend. I really miss those days. I miss all my old friends, and the old me. It was as if when I moved I left myself there. I never got to say goodbye to anyone, we ran away from home. It seems I always set my hopes too high never preparing for the let down, always hoping and wishing for the best and not seeing the inevitable right before me. I am going to be 18 in 12 days, and what does that mean for me? Nothing, I STILL get grounded, I still have an early curfew. I want to move out, but I want to stay here. I feel like crying I want my Mommy, and just running back down there. But, what would that accomplish? Nothing. I don't understand much anymore, and I'm staring to realize just how naive I am. Thanks Mom, I get it from you. ...
Recently, I was persuaded to give my father another chance, but it's hard. I'm stubborn, and I resent him, and maybe I blame him for a lot more, maybe because I already blamed him for all that he did do, I take everything else out on him, because I'm too nice, and too forgiving with everyone else. I can't seem to forgive him, because I feel like everything he says is some sort of lie, because my whole life that's all he's ever done; lie.
I'm stuck in the eye of a hurricane, and I can't get out. The wind all around me keeps me here.
Tony and I haven't spoken in awhile, and I think I should keep it that way, and just let the goodbye take it's own course. I did love him, I was ready to give up everything I could've had for him, and time and distance created a fault line between us, an endless void that assisted by religion tore us limb from limb and now it's as if we never cared, and never spent any time talking, or making plans or anything. I won't call him a waste of time, because I don't think that he was. I think he was just another stepping stone, and another lesson learned.
I got in touch with my best friend from childhood the other day, Aaron Gray. Shut up. Do not make fun of the colors. Anyway, we've been talking a lot ever since. I really miss this kid. We always hung out, and had a lot of fun. He was my last friend to see me before I moved here. We had a sleep over in the woods, and the next day i skipped town without a goodbye. I've been trying to get in touch with this boy for so long. I don't really think he's changed much. I think I'm going to visit him in the spring. Whenever they have Spring break so I can see everyone. :]
Shaun and I are doing great, aside from the little girls trying to destroy things. I swear if I wasn't almost 18 I'd be cracking some skulls. I hate that they're so young. God damn children, stay away from my boyfriend. If needed I can always go pick up my sister. She's young enough and tough enough to destroy some worthless peices of trash. I'm supposed to be hanging out with Shaun tomorrow. I hope that happens. I miss him.
Alright. I'm done for now. my 4 year old twin cousins are in my bed whining at eachother to see the tv. their parents leave and they wake up crying. how ironic. when it's on my babysitting time. i'll update probably on Christmas.
i feel like i'm drowning. |
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| 8 a day. |
[Dec. 15th, 2006|11:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Godsmack | ] |
Day III.
No Work. No School. Strep Throat.
Boredom claimed the first portion of my day as it had the past two. Then, finally Dana instant messaged me and asked what I was up to. I told her I was bored, sitting around, needed a cigarette, my aunt was driving me nuts, and I had absolutely nothing to do, and hadn't seen Shaun since Monday. So, she asked if I wanted to hang out, and we agreed on a time, and I took a shower, did some quick make-up, cleaned up my gauges a little, straightened my hair, took some antibiotic, and met Dana outside. We went back to her house, ate pork roll on english muffins, and had told Chris to bring my paycheck there for me. So he did that. What a wonderful buddy ol' pal of mine. :] Then we cashed the checks and bought cigarettes, went to Linens and Things and bought my aunt a gift, went to Starbucks bought Lattes, frappucinos, and some gift card for my aunt. Then we went to the mall. I bought us both a tshirt. =]
Mine says I Like to BANG. So then we went to Shaun's house. brought him to Subway to pick up Chris' car. BUT!!!! fucking Akee and some other black kid are trying to fight with him before he even opens the door. reaching in the damn window hitting him. I was in the backseat of a 2 door car, and pissed. Shaun didn't do anything. They hit him, and he smiled. He can't get himself in any more trouble. So we parked around the corner, let Dana out and Shaun and I drove to Stop and Shop, Dana went to pick up Chris' car, and met us there. Dana and Shaun switched and Dana and I went to Wal Mart. We ran into Shaun's Mom, and her friend Edith. :) I love his mom. So then Dana brought me home after we wondered around aimlessly forever.
in about half an hour it will be mine and Shaun's 1st month anniversary. I'll post something then. =] |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 15th, 2006|09:59 pm] |
I realized today that we hate to admit when we're wrong, and when something is wrong. We don't want to think that something is wrong, so we ignore the problem so it just becomes worse. I'm digging myself a hole, and to be honest I'm not sure whether to keep on digging, or start filling it back in. I'm biting my lip like I do when I'm deep in thought, and the words aren't processing fast enough to get this all out. I don't know who I am, or where I want to be. I don't know what I want to do with life, or any thing of the sort. Cigarettes and Stacker 3's are now my best friends, menthol breath and caffiene tinted kisses. I feel like I've lost complete track of who I am, and who I'm going to become. I've lost my motivation and my desire to do anything. I'm trying to make realistic plans, and make everything work, and I feel like I'm just building myself up to break myself down.
I'm starting to feel okay. But, I just talked to Shaun mid entry. Idk... I just don't know. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 14th, 2006|02:54 pm] |
I have a lot going on in my mind right now, and I'm just going to spill it all out.
I'm utterly confused. Terrifed. I don't have very much longer in High School, and I have no idea what I'm doing after that. Maybe, I'll just stay here, maybe not, who knows? I think I want to stay here a little while, and try to save money, or something. Who knows? I'm just lost on my own map.
Okay, so... what is love? Is love real? If it isn't why are we all on this wild goose chase? If it isn't what are those feelings I have felt before?
Right now I've got a tough decision stuck in front of me. What's more realistic? What if I decide to go up there, is everything really going to be all better? Is my life going to change? Will everything really be okay?
Eh I hope stuff works out.
:[ |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2006|01:52 am] |
You never listen to me,
You cannot look me in the eyes.
And I have struggled to see
Why its so easy to push me aside....
I no longer believe,
That you were ever on my side.
How could you know what I need,
When I'm the last thing on your mind...
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
So disconnected, going through the motions again
So disconnected, everything goes over your head
So disconnected, you got me hangin by a thread
So disconnected, when will this cycle end?
You dont really know me,
I dont think you've ever even tried
We're on the same routine
And you say you never have the time
What do you want me to be?
Do you want me in your life?
I feel so incomplete
You left me to fall behind
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
So disconnected, going through the motions again
So disconnected, everything goes over your head
So disconnected, you got me hangin by a thread
So disconnected, when will this cycle end?
Its too hard to just move on
Its easier said then done
Its too hard to just move on
Its easier said then done
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
Too out of touch, out of touch to touch you
So disconnected, going through the motions again
So disconnected, everything goes over your head
So disconnected, you got me hangin by a thread
So disconnected, when will this cycle end?
So disconnected, going through the motions again
So disconnected
When will this cycle end
So disconnected
So disconnected
When will this cycle end? |
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| Hopeless. |
[Nov. 3rd, 2006|10:48 pm] |
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I'm frusturated. I don't think anything is going in the direction that I want it to. My aunt found out I was taking stackers, and requested this morning that I put them on her dresser by the close of the day. Regretably, I did not. They are still in my possesion. I think she suspects me of drug use. She questioned the redness of my eyes today, I suppose forgetting my contacts. I've been beating myself up a lot lately, not physically of course. Actually I've been okay with the self mutilation, or should I say lack of. I can't handle all these questions, sacrafices, maybes, highs and lows. Every day is filled with a plethora of questions, and inquisitive thoughts. I don't know what's going on anymore, and I can't handle it. There isn't enough time anymore. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 31st, 2006|09:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
Hello Everyone!
I was briefly skimming through my live journal, and came to the conclusion that I needed a newer, more recent entry with a bit more content. This is my first year not celebrating Halloween, the very first to lead the following years to come. To be completely honest, I did not miss Halloween at all. I don't really care for dressing up to pretend to be something I'm not. Along with the fact that Halloween is a Pagen holiday, not Christian at all.
Work was rather interesting. I had a very large rush, my help never showed up, and I was stuck behind a counter for about two hours with a line wrapping around the store. I was supposed to be doing inventory, but had no time for it. ::sigh::
Onto another topic. I am single right now. I am confused right now, very very very confused. I don't really think my taking stackers was really helping that at all though. Two months, and 26 days until I can leave this place. I have no idea what I'm doing yet though. I suppose I'll figure it out. I'd like to make plans with people for Mondays, and Wednesdays for the next few months, because I don't know where I'm going, or if and when I'll be back. I just don't want to go away not really having much to remember about the people that mean the most. Tomorrow I think I'm hanging out with Nick, Rob and I are discussing going for waffles, sometime. I need to make plans with a Ms. Kelly, and a Ms. Jenna, along with other friends. :]
I lost my thought process, so I'll just end this here. Besides I need to shower. Don't want to go to school tomorrow smelling of oil, and vinager. |
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| Poem thinger I found.. |
[Oct. 19th, 2006|07:37 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Nickelback. | ] |
I found a poem thing in an email I received a little over a month ago. It's on an account that I rarely check, and usually check just to delete the mail building up. Anyway, I actually opened this email, and this poem made me really think about todays, and tomorrows, and how we really don't know what's going to happen tonight, or 10 minutes from now, or how I might get into an accident on my way to work or on my way home, or something of the sort. Anyways, I just want everyone to know that I love them, and care about them, and wish that we could spend more time together before I leave for NY in February.
Here's the poem; ( poemmmm )
It isn't the best thing ever written, but it gets the message out there. And again, I DID NOT WRITE THIS. |
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| Conor Oberst is great at keeping my mood constant. |
[Oct. 16th, 2006|06:34 pm] |
A bad habit doesn't just disappear as easily as people would like me to believe. I was smoking to ease the stress and dropped it because he didn't want me to. But, then what's my other addiction? ... Of course, self mutiliation. ::sigh:: I miss my Mommy, I miss having my love nub baby baker secret agent lover man. I think just seeing him Friday night made me miss him even more, don't get me wrong. I'm really glad that I got to see him, it helped me realize what I need to do for the next few months, and really pulled my head back together. I feel like tuning out the rest of the world completely, pretty much all day I spoke to a few people, and walked around like a zombie. I hate not knowing. I hate not being able to figure everything out. I'm taking a year off of school so that I can figure out what I want to do with myself. I'm moving out of here at the beginning of February, taking a drive up to New York, and staying there for a week at a hotel and not telling my grandparents. I need to spend some time with Tony, and really figure everything out. I need to finish my study and get baptized, that will help everything else fall into place. |
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argh_im_apirate's journal
depressed